Recently, I watched some excerpts from the movie “Let Him Go” with Kevin Costner and Diane Lane. It showed me how relevant and necessary this topic is.
Misunderstandings and unspoken expectations often characterise the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. However, with a bit of sensitivity, openness, and respect, a harmonious relationship can develop, enriching family life and improving personal well-being. Here are some valuable tips for mothers-in-law to build a positive relationship with their daughters-in-law:
1. Respect the Independence of the Young Family
Your daughter-in-law and son have established their own family. This means they will create their own rules, rituals, and make their own decisions. Trust that they know what is best for their family. Avoid giving unsolicited advice or interfering in their affairs.
Tip: When asked for your opinion, share it willingly, but avoid presenting it as “the only right solution.”
“Every family has its own dynamics and rules. The key to harmony lies in respecting these differences rather than judging them.”
– Virginia Satir
2. Foster Open Communication
Misunderstandings often arise from unspoken expectations. Speak openly but respectfully about your wishes and needs. At the same time, listen and take your daughter-in-law’s perspective seriously.
Tip: Use “I-statements” to avoid conflicts. For example: “I would love to spend more time together,” instead of blaming statements like, “You never have time for me.”
“Open communication is the foundation of every healthy relationship. Listening without judging and speaking without attacking build trust and closeness.”
– John Gottman
3. Accept Differences
Your daughter-in-law may come from a different family background or have different values and traditions. Instead of criticising these differences, try to see them as enriching. Accept that not everything has to be done the way you are used to.
Tip: Show interest in your daughter-in-law’s traditions and habits by asking questions. This demonstrates appreciation and builds a foundation for mutual understanding.
“It’s not about avoiding conflicts but resolving them constructively. A relationship grows when both sides are willing to meet halfway.”
– Salvador Minuchin
4. Give Space to the Couple’s Relationship
The relationship between your son and daughter-in-law is the heart of their family. Respect their privacy and avoid getting involved in their conflicts unless explicitly asked for help.
Tip: Let the couple find their own solutions to their problems instead of taking sides. Both will appreciate your neutrality.
“A mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is like a delicate plant: it requires patience, care, and a willingness to clear up misunderstandings.”
– Esther Perel
5. Show Appreciation
A simple “thank you” or a sincere compliment can work wonders. Show your daughter-in-law that you notice and appreciate her efforts – whether it’s her care for the family, her professional achievements, or her cooking skills.
Tip: A small personal gift or a kind gesture, such as a handwritten letter, can strengthen the relationship.
“People long to be seen and appreciated – especially within the family. A simple compliment or a thank you can bridge deep divides.”
– Sue Johnson
6. Set Clear Boundaries
Setting boundaries is vital for both sides. Ensure your daughter-in-law doesn’t feel obligated to meet your expectations constantly. At the same time, you should also maintain your own boundaries.
Tip: Discuss topics like visits, parenting, or holiday planning early on to avoid misunderstandings.
7. Be a Supporter, not a Critic
Criticism, especially when unsolicited, can quickly be perceived as an attack. Instead, try to support your daughter-in-law and make her feel that she can rely on you.
Tip: Ask how you can help rather than taking over tasks without asking. For example: “Can I help you with anything?” instead of “I’d rather do it this way.”
“Healthy relationships are based on clear boundaries. They protect independence while enabling closeness and respect.”
– Harriet Lerner
8. Recognise Your Shared Connection
Your daughter-in-law loves your son – and that’s an incredible commonality. Remember that you both want what’s best for him and use this shared foundation to build a good relationship.
Tip: Show your daughter-in-law that you respect her role in your son’s life and that you are happy she is part of your family.
Conclusion
A good relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is based on mutual respect, openness, and a willingness to meet each other halfway. It sometimes requires patience and understanding, but the effort is worth it. A positive relationship enriches not only your own life but also strengthens the entire family.
Remember: you and your daughter-in-law are not competitors but allies who can shape family life together.
Reflection Questions
- How do I approach my daughter-in-law’s decisions?
- Do I support her decisions, even if I might make different choices, or do I tend to criticise her?
- How could I show her that I trust in her abilities?
- Have I ever openly shown my appreciation for my daughter-in-law?
- When was the last time I told or showed her that I value her as part of the family?
- How could I express my recognition and gratitude more frequently in the future?
- Do I respect the boundaries of the young family?
- Am I aware of when I might be interfering too much or giving unsolicited advice?
- How can I better ensure that I respect the privacy and independence of my daughter-in-law and son?
In the book “The Renaissance of the Family”, family therapist Simone Rüssel has written an article on precisely this topic.
Your Opinion?
Author
Dr. Karl-Maria de Molina
CEO & Co-Founder ThinkSimple.io
Project Manager and Chairman of Family Valued
More Information in the book: https://backup.hellas-media.gr/en/renaissance-der-familie-2/
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